Dong Bags of the Pharoahs

These are the photos of our trip to Egypt. The only thing missing from these are the pictures we couldn’t take at Kom al-Shoqafa due to their camera rules. The catacombs in Alexandria were fucking amazing and I can’t recommend them enough. Just mind-blowingly cool. Super Indiana Jones biz. It was nice to get back to Egypt again. On the other hand, it was also quite sad and I found myself crying a couple times. My old friend, Nasser Fayed recently died from a heart attack. He always made a point of showing me around and taking care of me when I was in town. I always enjoyed seeing the pyramids, but I enjoyed seeing Nasser more. He was exceedingly kind superlatively patient, always. Even the grandeur and awe-inspiring human achievements that litter Cairo and the Giza plateau were diminished by his absence. He was a wonderful person and the world is a shittier place without him in it.

We landed, got to our place and went to get some food. This is evidence of that. In case you didn’t believe us.

This is what Vy got. She said it was delicious.

This is what I ate. It’s sadder and lumpier in comparison, but they don’t do veg food in Egypt

This is Vy and Nasser’s daughter, Sherine.

These are Nasser’s youngest sprouts.

This is Nasser’s third eldest. She’s pretty cool.

These two were really nice.

Duck faces are a thing here. I think Egypt is always about 7 years behind fashion. Duck face is still fire, there.

This is all of Nasser’s kids. Sherine’s on the left, Aya is on the right.

DUCK FACE!

These are from the roof of Nasser’s new house.

Different exposure.

Blah.

This is the night sky over Cairo.

We messed around with the flash for 30 minutes on the roof.

We played cards on the roof for a couple hours and ate some shwarma.

Nasser’s youngest and fourth daughter.

Nasser’s third daughter.

Shuffling giant cards is not in her skill set.

I forced everybody to get photos with the ring flash, because I brought it and I’m going to fucking use it.

Sherine.

Sherine herded Vy and I into this room with the family and showed us piles of papyrus.

It was really awkward; we thought she was just showing us some shit, but she was intending for us to buy the shit.

So, these photos are of her making us really uncomfortable. It just reminded me that out good friend was dead and, instead of the Nasser’s Cairo, we were just seeing a lamer, exploitation-filled garbage pile.

On a more upbeat note, we ended up going out to Saqqara with Nasser’s second cousin or something. I can’t remember dude’s name, but he was nice and patient with us. This is Djoser’s funerary complex and summer home.

Vy and statues.

Front of the temple.

This whole area is filled with the first pyramids (in the modern sense) that ever existed. The famous “bent” pyramid is here as well as the first actual pyramid.

Formerly, these were attached to statues.

Feet on feet. It was hot up in here.

They’re restoring these pyramids. Which is rad.

This guy kept getting closer and closer.

and closer.

They’re restoring this pyramid currently, which translated to ten guys sitting the shade for several hours.

This scaffolding probably looks more dangrous than it is.

Vy groping a temple.

The entrance to a large templenear Memphis.

This place was a vacation/holy spot for the super rich and poweful. They’d come out here and hang out. In the day it would have been very difficult to make your way to.

This area was pretty green back in the day, as well.

Some cool reliefs on the wal.

Look at the agony on this hippo’s face. Childbirth is beautiful.

It’s an oxen pile.

Do not touch these. Ever.

Sometimes you have to kill an animal to make sure everything goes smoothly.

This is a spirit door. For spirits.

A whole pile of birds.

The outside of the palace retreat.

Vy and one of Nassser’s cousins.

This was a pyramid a while ago. It got tired, though.

The passageway into a chamber within a pyramid.

The ceiling a pahraoh stares at for eternity.

Us in the crypt.

Us in front of the sarcophagus.

Dude and I arranging for a picture. I hate doing stuff like this, but he was so enthusiastic.

Detail of the Egyptian conception of stars.

Sarcophagus standing

This is me standing on some rich motherfucker’s sarcophagus. I love this, because back in his day, this pharaoh motherfucker used his boot heel to crush everyone that lived under his rule. And now, stupid white douche bags are standing on his eternal slumber pod.

You were a god king. Now I fart on your sanctum. I win.

This is the cube they busted open in order to get in.

It’s Vy-sized.

The weird askew ceiling. I believe it’s like that all the way up, alternating left and right, as a means to support the enormous weight of the pyramid above. Oh, yeah. We’re deep underground for these photos.

Standing in front of one of those soul door things.

Blurry pictures taken by a dude.

They hadn’t invented mathbooks to hide boners, yet.

Walk like an Egyptian; like a Nazi clown.

A lot of the color is still visible on these. They’re really pretty in real life. I mean, the photos really fail to do them justice.

The lesser-known “bumbled” pyramids of Doofu and Dipshitknaton.

Ramses! This is what those two trunkless legs of stone look like when they’re trunked.

Tiny sphinx guy.

A puppy in Memphis.

The king of Memphis.

Vy and Elvis.

This statue is huge.

A babboon.

Really, it’s massive. We got to be in this room alone because everyone is too afraid of terrorists to travel to Egypt. Most people are pussies. That’s a life lesson.

That’s some names. And stuff.

This is the Mosque of Muhammad Ali.

It’s really pretty, but has fallen into a good deal of disrepair.

Most photos you see of this stuff were taken very shortly after the most recent restoration. These were taken after the revolution when cash for stuff like this had dried up.

Pictures of these online show all the lights on and pretty. This is how it’s looked all the times I’ve gone, though.

It’s pretty. I would surely be prettier were it dusted regularly.

The lights being lit helps lend some majesty.

The ceilings are really quite remarkable.

Apparently the minarets that are on the exterior of these interior domes are tall as a “fuck you” to the sultan.

Egypt was trying to show its power and independence by building a mosque this grand.

Compare these images to some of the fresh-looking photos from when this place was redone recently. You can see how far it’s fallen.

Beautiful ceilings.

This is Nasser’s cousin and our Dutch friend.

This is where Muhammad Ali is entombed.

This is a city scape from the ramparts of the mosque.

This is where the clock that Paris gave Cairo for the mosque. It no longer works, but I’ve heard that the obelisk Cairo gifted to Paris is still fully functional.

This is the well that Jesus, Mary and Joseph first rode a canoe in.

This is Vy demonstrating the degree to which she believes the claims this well’s operators make.

This is all in a complex with that well from earlier. It’s supposedly a cave where baby Joshua and his mom and step-dad stayed.

This is our Dutch buddy.

The pyramids at night during Ramadan.

On the left is Nasser’s cousin, Nasser.

ALl these guys have been sitting in the same place for years.

Sayeeeeeed!

I want to say this dude’s name was Christopher. I’m almost 100% on that.

Christopher is a Christian and here I’m listening to him.

This is me laying some theological pipe. I’ve never seen a picture of myself when I’m in full-on mode, but I’m like a glorious lion.

The street by the pyramid.

Some donkeys waiting for the light show.

Christopher and me.

I was too tall, so I made myself people height.

Christopher got to be King Tall Guy in this one.

This is the bent pyramid out near Sakkhara. They realized they’d boned the math and had to chill out the grade half-way through. When you pull a boner on the pharaoh’s dime, I imagine heads roll.

This is Vy powering up the stairs, weaker than Wednesday.

This is the view up from the bottom of the shaft of Djoser’s pyramid. Vy didn’t go down because she was too tired from the walk up to the entrance.

This is deep inside the pyramid where they hunked that dead dude’s biz. It’s all stacked and whatnot.

This hole is where you got into the second chamber.

A detail up the wall.

This is a shot through the entrance to the second chamber.

Some scaffolding built up by the antiquities folks or, perhaps, by the tomb robbers.

This is up the stairs and into a third chamber. Nothing but rubble biz up in here.

There was no one else around because of the tourist slump. I was down in here totally alone. It was great. And quiet. Super quiet.

It looked like they cut into the bed rock and then tried to build it up again. I don’t know what they were going to do with this room, but it looked kind of half done.

This is the pier in Alexandria. Nasser’s cousin, Nasser, took us out here. It was a lot of fun. I’d never been out here, but it was a pretty place.

City skreets.

This is downtown Cairo.

This is the Nile.

Wide as hell.

The bridge from which I shot the Nile photos.

The pyramids from our room. The Air BnB place we stayed at was phenomenal and the owner was rad. If you want the address, email me and I can get you the contact info. Don’t waste time on hotels around there. They are all super bone-jobs.

This is in Alexandria.

This was, apparently, not really Pompey’s pillar. I can’t remember what the story was but it was probably bullshit.

There’re the remnants of an underground library near here. It’s cool as fuck.

Here’s some of that library biz.

Vy dancing in the ancient halls of learning.

This is all underground around Pompey’s pillar.

Moo. A replica cow buddy.

The pillar.

THE pillar.

Around the pillar.

Cool trams in Alexandria. It was around Ramadan, so most of the public services running were only going half time.

This is at Fort Qaitbey. It’s where the lighthouse of Alexandria used to be.

Nasser and Vy!

Dudes.

Rad dudes.

This is my really terrible Portuguese haircut. Thanks Portugal.

This place was fancy and Greek.

I guess it’s one of the older restaurants in the area.

This is the new library at Alexandria. It’s a pretty big deal.

This is Alexander. He thinks he’s pretty great.

Koshari! This is one of my favorite foods.

Vy was not impressed. She is lame. But only sometimes.

Egyptian pussy.

Mohammed!

It’s been many years since I’ve seen these guys. I have a lot of affection for these dudes. They’re rad.

Cool guy/GQ motherfuckers.

Mohammed looking regal.

SAYEEEEEED!

Nasser’s cousin Nasser!

Mohammed’s brother, Ashraf.

I always thought Ashraf looked like Cary Grant. Vy didn’t agree.

Vy and Ashraf.

These guys speak, like 20 languages between them.

I knew this guy when he was a kid. He works for himself now. He has a family and kids and the whole biz.

Ahmed, a Korean lady we stayed with and Vy!

Love sandwich.

We let this girl with really striking eyes take photos and she forced everyone to take these obligatory shots.

Vy on a camel.

Vy on a camel. Shit was real.

The pyramids from the desert.

My camel was a salty son of a bitch.

Really foul mood. It could have been because he had a human riding him around a hot fucking desert.

Vy and I with camels.

We climbed one of the queen’s lesser pyramids. Then we desecrated it with a selfie. I’m not proud.

Vy clambering down the side of a pyramid.

Dismount!

Grumpiest camel.

Our camels.

In front of the entrance to the great pyramid.

I don’t know why, but Ahmed wanted us to do some yoga biz by the pyramids. I think it’s because of the bullshitty, new-age crackers that come out here all the time. They probably lap this crap up.