Nile-ism

Sofia and I went to Egypt. It was a super fun trip- we saw shit I’ve never seen before. We had several days in Cairo and then trekked down to Luxor to see Karnak, Thebes and the Valley of the Kings, where we spent the bulk of our time fucking around down there, seeing shit heretofore unseen. On our way back north we went to Dendera. We visited the standards in Cairo: Saqqara, Giza, Memphis, Mohammed Ali Mosque and Khan El-Khalili.

We had a lot of fun, met the best dog in the world at the Collosi of Memnon and Sofia saved a cat’s life (maybe). We spent some time with Mohammed, who is doing and looking well. Mohammed, as a wedding gift, gave us several perfumes and was profoundly generous throughout our time there; we are deeply grateful to him!

Again, we did a lot of stuff I’ve never done in Egypt and had some pretty adventurous times. It was as hot as 111 degrees Fahrenheit (43.8 Celsius) while we were there. I ran one mile from Thebes to Karnak along the Avenue of the Sphinx, while a young boy stalked me, yelling, “fuck you,” throwing rocks and flipping me the bird. I smiled, waved and said, “Fuck you, too, friend!” back to him a couple of times. It was funny, not menacing.

I saw this bonkers graven image of a snake in some sort of clear pod issuing from a flower (pictures below) in the bowels of the temple at Dendera and this weird, horned shadow man painted on a wall in Ramses IV or Ramses II’s tomb (take your pick, in the dark one is as good as the other). For clarity, though, I’d like to go on record saying that Ramses IV was a bitch compared to Ramses II, who was King Dingaling.

Pyramids from afar.

A ceiling portion of the tomb of Ramses VI- the lady who is arching over creation is the night sky.

Sofia at Hatshepsut's temple and tomb, dedicated to Hathor (Sofia's favorite god).

In the bowels of the tomb of Ramses VI. It's a cool tomb, though largely rifled and smashed by tomb raiders. This was originally Ramses V's tomb, but Ramses VI snaked it after he died, expanded it and had himself laid to rest there. Ramses VI kind of sucked and knew he sucked, so he stole everyone else's shit. He died in his sixties (like a bitch) and wanted people to think he was like Ramses II, who ruled for nearly 70 years and- like a motherfucking god- lived into his 90s. In ancient Egypt. Dude was born around 1300 BCE. Think about all those dipshits dying in their 40s in this era. All those babies not making it past 11 years old. Ramses II was fucking 92. Everyone can eat his balls, which were covered in red hair. This, of course, explains why Ramses VI wanted to be perceived like Ramses II.

Shattered sarcophagus.

Shattered tomb lid.

Me in the tomb of Ramses VI, a bitch of a pharaoh. A total bitch. He did nothing but watch Egypt dribble from his hands, limp-dicked the whole time.

For real, Ramses II has a Wikipedia page listing his children. There are over 50 children on there. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_children_of_Ramesses_II . That's kingly has fuck. You know how many children Ramses VI had? Maybe 5. Probably 4. And that's with 3 wives who probably all cucked him. What a bitch.

You can tell, immediately, that this is Ramses II. Look at this slick pimp.

These gods are both asking him to prom: Ramses II.

That little scarab kicks ass.

Thoth, taking notes.

This is how Egyptians depicted stars. They imagined them as starfish in the sky. I wonder if we call starfish "starfish" because of Egyptians. I don't immediately make the "star" connection when I see starfish.

This terrifying shadow man is a terrifying shadow man.

Osiris, the falcon-headed god.

This guy spends all day jacking off horses and wants people to clap for him. I bet you a dollar he never ever imagined that someone would so thoroughly shit on him as I have over the course of these 30 photos. You probably didn't know this, but his tomb was raided, like, 4 years after he died. What a total fucking bitch. He wasn't even cold yet and people were robbing him. No fear there. He was a total pillow biter of a pharaoh.

Sofia boring a hole in a bowl.

Hatshepsut's funerary temple. Pretty swanky.

Location, location, the place in which a thing is situated, right? Hatshepsut knew how to pick property. This is a lovely 15 bedroom, 0 bath property located in the spacious cul-de-sac of the Valley of the Kings neighborhood.

A side-temple dedicated to Hathor in Hatshepsut's temple. She was a badass'd pharaoh.

Hathor, the cow-headed god of women and childbirth and music, maybe? I don't know.

This is a depiction of the night sky (filled with star fish) which is omnipresent in most tombs and temples.

These are well-preserved and super colorful bas-relief, painted images. I bet these were super bonkers colorful when they were first made.

Hatshepsut, but depicted with a beard.

Cool snake glyph.

Neat entry-way.

Night-sky, again.

Heavy-duty doorway.

What writing looked like 'round about the time of hieroglyphics. This is what most shit would have been written in for non-ceremonial purposes.

Shelley's poem, "Ozymondias" was inspired by the arrival of a statue looted from this temple at the British museum.

This is all part of a massive complex dedicated to Ramses II. Granted, he took a lot of previous kings' structures and carved his name overtop the names of the previous builders, but this was Ramses' legit, sprawling 'Ramesseum", which was his own creation. It was built about 1k away from the Collosi of Memnon- themselves part of a massive complex of Amenhotep III, which was destroyed by an earthquake (and consequently abandoned, due to the gods' obvious disapproval).

The tops of these columns are meant to look like papyrus shafts.

This whole complex would have been covered by a roof and would have had, likely, some sort of linen over the horizontal ventilation slits seen above the columns.

Historical crumbs.

Behold! A collosus of Memnon! The name "Memnon" was a Greek invention- these are actually depicting Amenhotep III.

This is one of the top-tier dogs I've met over the course of my life.

The Collosi of Memnon.

Beautiful, colorful paintings covering the interior of a tomb belonging to a rich dude from this era.

This guy and his wife had harpers out the ass in the after-life.

Scarab vomiting a necklace.

Depiction of Osiris, who came to represent the deal whereby people could be re-animated in the afterlife and enjoy a good life IF their life was well-lived and they received regular top-ups of their party materials in our material plane in the form of offerings brought to their temple on the reg.

Osiris and Thoth, just chilling.

Long-winded, ceremonial prayer spells talking about the dead in context of the protections they'll have while getting into the afterlife and establishing their care and feeding after they enter that afterlife.

Isis protecting the deceased by offering the shadow of her wings.

The sun is moved around by headless and legless titties with arms. Our science was way off.

Tons of graffiti written around the turn of the century. Greek, Latin, etc. Mostly fucking Christians.

Hathor

The Apis bull, son of Hathor, slaughtered ceremonially every year. This process was done via a huge procession conducted down the Avenue of the Sphinxes.

The weighing of the heart against a feather from The Book of the Dead in a temple dedicated to Hathor.

We got a tour around Memphis and the pyramids. This area became particularly important around Ramses II's rule.

The pyramid at Saqqara.

People fishing in the Nile- the Nile being depicted as a horizontal line, below which, fish are teeming in single-file.

Forcing slaves to eat ass.

Depictions of people butchering a bull for meat and bringing the meat as an offering to the folks buried within this tomb.

A funerary temple for a prominent citizen in the Memphis-area.

This was the temple near Saqqara and Memphis where the pharaoh, in a show of strength, would have mano-a-taur'd a bull to show that he was still virile and powerful and favored by the gods.

Ramses II in gigantic form. One of the few remaining statues of this size to mostly survive successive destruction campaigns, some religious, some architectural over the year. If it wasn't Christians destroying shit, it was Muslims.

Sexy beast.

At the Egyptian Museum of Antiquities. Getting in there before the GEM wrecks it.

Akhenaten or Amenhotep IV; King Tut's dad. Reduced Egypt to monotheism. Tut fixed that shit.

Amenhotep started a strange art style where people were depicted with this curvy, weird alien shape.

The best koshari in Cairo, man. Hands-down.

This is the Memphis museum and this Sphinx looks like a bitch.

The domes of Muhammed Ali mosque.

Pretty, if somewhat decrepit and dusty, interior to the Mohammed Ali mosque.

Dusty-as-fuck chandelier.

Mosques visible from the Mohammed Ali mosque.

Some cool architecture around Cairo.

I think this was a madrasa.

Markets around those buildings a few pictures ago. It's across the street from the larger Khan El-Khalili market.

Various spices.

An evening boat ride on the Nile.

Cool, 80s-looking structures in Cairo.

Dendera Temple in southern Egypt. Dedicated to Hathor. Super cool.

This sexy little dwarf is the god of parties.

Each column is topped with a Hathor head. Many had varying hairstyles. I don't know what that meant.

This is Cleopatra and her son, Caesarion (Ptolemy XV Caesar).

This was the most beautiful temple I have ever seen. Super well-preserved. All the blue paints decorating the carvings were fucking gorgeous.

When the builders or gods of particular temples would fall out of favor, they'd get their faces chipped.

The vulture motif was omnipresent, as it represents the Nile delta regions.

They chipped off this dude's dick in all the images. Harsh thing to do to a brother floating around in the afterlife.

I've received a correction: my wife's favorite deity is Sekhmet, The Mistress of Dread; Sekhmet, Ra's Anger Made Flesh; Sekhmet, The Vengeance of Ra; Sekhmet, The Goddess of Medicine. That last one seems kind of tacked on.

The Night is covering this weird yoga person.

Working on the "Night Moves", Bob Seger can be seen here offering up his nethers.

This used to be a large, deep pool. I don't know what those doors on the bottom were or if the water levels would fluctuate, but this was where this temple got its water.

Sekhmet, again. The Mistress of Dread is everywhere. Just waiting. Here's a story: Once, Ra was betrayed by humans (he felt) and banished from the earth. He set Sekhmet upon them and she ravaged Egypt until there was nearly no one left to kill. The other gods gathered and directed all their efforts at stopping her before she killed all the humans remaining on the world. However, nothing they tried worked. Thoth came up with the idea of brewing a lake of beer and dyeing it red. Sekhmet was tricked into the proximity of this red lake and, confusing the beer for blood, set to drinking the entire thing. Sekhmet became so drunk, her berserker rage was quelled and she had to sleep it off for a couple of days. There were festivals celebrating this where Sekhmet's priestesses would get completely smashed (as would the regular citizens); several temples dedicated to her worship had drunk-porches attached to them so the priestesses could "spew into this" rather than getting the temple floors all sticky.

Super bizarre carvings deep in a pit inside this temple: snakes emerging from flower blooms.

The column with arms represents authority over Egypt. I have no idea what the translucent eggplants with snakes in the represent, though.

This is where Alexander stored his barque that was used in the renewal ceremony walking between Luxor and Karnak. Its outside depicts the legitimacy of Alexander's claim to the pharaonic lineage- he's related to Ra somehow, I guess.

This dude and his Tec-9 walked us around the temple.

Christians really ruined a ton of this temple. Fucking cunts.

My pee, Ozzy's pee and millions of others' pee. It's a select group I belong to.

It's going to be bad news if this brick falls. Just give it to me, and I will take care of it.

This red quartz used to cover the pyramid. The others were covered in white and black stone. They must have been astonishing when they were well-kempt.

More details of the cladding of the red quartz pyramid.

Sofia looks at me like this all the time. It's like she cares about me, but also wants to hurt me.

A place for ablutions.

Church of St. George. If you're Catholic, you believe in dragons. Embarrassing.

Dubious claim, here. Still, I wouldn't drink from here.

Behold! This is not an optical illusion. This building was built at that angle. Super fucked up. Cairo.

I love trash dog.

Walking around Khan El-Khalili.

Later this evening, Sofia found a lost kitten, mewling and huddled in a corner. She drug it halfway across the city and found a cat-lover to give it to. Bonkers.

Scooters.

Cool, old architecture.

I don't get the Florida plates, but, there they are.

Anyhow, that’s a blog! I hope you enjoyed the photos!